


Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

by Fayal_Lir



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, How do I tag things?, Patton is sad, i wrote this all in thirty minutes without editing so I hope it’s decent, is there a way to put commas in these?, kind of has an open ending kind of has a bad one, pretend I know how you’re supposed to tag things, really this is Patton internal monologuing and coming up with bad ideas, set after svs redux hopefully you can tell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26115370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fayal_Lir/pseuds/Fayal_Lir
Summary: I’m not happy all the time. That’s no secret.No one can be happy all the time. I’ve been told that a lot. Not for lack of trying, though.No, the problem arises when one isn’t even happy half the time. When one feels guilty when they’re happy, because there must be something they’re forgetting to worry about. When you have so much responsibility and you know you matter but that’s even worse than not, because you know what you should be doing and you don’t know if there’s more you don’t know about you should be doing or if you’re doing too much.That is where the trouble is.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

**Author's Note:**

> An angsty Patton thing, I came up with it from this animatic! https://youtu.be/PT7cKbTj48c  
> You should really watch it, it’s really good!

I’m not happy all the time. That’s no secret.

No one can be happy all the time. I’ve been told that a lot. Not for lack of trying, though.

No, the problem arises when one isn’t even happy half the time. When one feels guilty when they’re happy, because there must be something they’re forgetting to worry about. When you have so much responsibility and you know you matter but that’s even worse than not, because you know what you should be doing and you don’t know if there’s more you don’t know about you should be doing or if you’re doing too much.

That is where the trouble is.

Am I doing too much? Am I doing too little? Am I being nice enough? Am I listening enough? Am I taking charge enough? Am I being clear enough? Am I being too demanding? Am I too much?

So many questions and there’s a different answer every time I ask. I want a simple yes or no. I want it black and white. I don’t like gray. Dark sides and light sides are so easy to imagine. But what happens when your dark sides are right? What happens when your light sides hurt you? What happens when you apologize too much, or not enough?

That’s the secret I keep. I’m not even happy half the time. Whenever I am, I ruin it by wondering what I’m forgetting, because if I’m happy, there must be something wrong. 

I watch my tongue, I want to do the right thing. But I can’t have anybody know, so I can’t watch it fully, because then I hesitate, and then they’ll know I’m messed up. I have to smile as though it’s easy, I have to comfort everyone else, I have to do the right thing because that’s my job. I’m the heart, and what happens if your heart isn’t there for everyone, no matter what they need? It’s supposed to be Logic who tempers me down for Thomas, because he can’t be there for everyone. 

I can, though. It’s my job to always keep myself out there, always hold myself like I’m preparing to hug someone, and Logan’s to say no when Thomas needs it.

So I act the father figure. They don’t just like me a father, though, they want me an innocent child as well. I can’t swear, I can’t understand long words or Remus’ jokes, and I can’t be anything but an angel. It’s hard to balance the two, but that’s what they want so that’s what I am.

There’s always something to worry about. My room is sentimentality but it just reminds me of when I was happy without being guilty. It’s nice for the first couple minutes, I suppose, but it shows me exactly how I’ve failed, with every second I don’t feel good and every second I do. When I don’t feel good I’m not who they want me to be and I can’t help them as effectively. When I do feel good that’s selfish, there are so many problems, with arguments, with the sides, the outside world. There is issue after issue and if I feel good I’m not giving the issues enough of my time.

I can’t lose my cool, not ever again. I’ll let the pressure build and build. Pile your struggles and your vents on me, I’m going to take them all. If I need to let pressure go I’ll scream into my pillow or something. Maybe I’ll even say a swear word, alone in my room where no one can hear.

No one will know there’s anything off. No one will know in the most selfish part of my mind I wish I could talk to someone like others talk to me. Spill out my secrets, spill out my worries, spill out my guilt. I don’t want to be a burden, though, so I’ll just carry everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter how not okay I feel, because as long as everyone else is I should be too. I’ll feel pleasure in their pleasure, because then it’s not really _mine_ and I won’t have to feel bad.

I’m going to give everything I can and more. I’ll get the right amount of sleep and drink water, like Logan tells us to do, and I’ll be good enough to keep going the next day. I have it all planned out and it will be perfect. With no problems from me, they’ll be free to work out problems they have without me adding to them. I never want to make their problems worse.

Everyone except for me will be content and happy and then Thomas will be happy and he will give as much as is reasonable and he’ll live a perfect life. It will all be perfect. I can’t wait.

That thing on my face? No, that’s not a tear. That’s just water. I accidentally spilled it on myself, your dear old dad’s such a klutz! Now it’s getting late, remember to get lots of sleep and eat three meals so you can grow up big and strong and be happy! Aren’t you excited for tomorrow, kiddo? You get to make another day perfect just being there and amazing and nice and good and nice—and oops! I think I just repeated myself a little bit there! I’m a bit silly sometimes. Now here’s a good vocab word; do you know what it’s called when you become an adult? Adultery, of course! Oh wow, I sounded a bit like Logan there with that vocabulary card, didn’t I?

I’m so excited for another day! So, so excited.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m very sorry for this, it’s so angsty and I really need to tell this Patton to just realize that’s not going to work and what he’s doing is really unhealthy! The ending also feels a bit weird but I kind of wanted to just finish this so I’m sorry. I actually made myself sad when I was reading this for typos, it’s too bad this one is my first ao3 fan fic but I haven’t finished any of the ship ones yet, so this is what you get stuck with until I do, which I will!


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